i want to rewrite my essay, and talk about the problem in general all around the world and use Saudi Arabia as main example
this my touter feedback :
This is a very good starting point, with some good ideas. You made a sufficient job in almost all the evaluated areas, but this still needs some work to take a good shape.
These are the things you should focus the most on:
(1) Structure and argument. Think about what it is that you are trying to say, and organise your points accordingly. You need a good structure with introduction and conclusion that exaplain clearly what you are trying to do. Similarly, your points need to analyse the issue, not just describe it, so you need more sources to back it up. Try and use one paragraph to make one point, which should be well supported.
(2) Referencing. There is no referencing in the text. When writing the essay, follow the guidelines for Harvard referencing. Also, you need to use at least 5 references of an academic quality. Do more research and find what is convenient for you.
(3) Pay close attention to your grammar and syntax. You can help yourself with Grammarly for instance, or asking you classmates to proofread your work. Take more time to read through your essay after you finish it and refine all the small mistakes.
Keep it up!